The first time I said goodbye {part 2}

you can read the beginning of  my story here

11-13-99
To my unborn baby Sammy,

As i sit here all alone all i can do is miss you.
I know we never got to be a family, but you will always be mommy's little baby.
I love you so much and I am sorry for what I did to you.
Neither you nor I deserve what has been done.
When you were still alive I used to sit and imagine what it would be like to be your mom.
I would be so proud of you. You would have been the worlds cutest baby.
Don't forget most loved. I know you are in heaven now.
In the arms of The Lord. I wish I was there with you.
I would give up my whole life just to meet you one time.
I will never forgive myself for this awful thing I have done to you.
Please don't hate me. I used to think what I was doing was right.
I love you so much Sammy.
I am so sorry.
                     -the worlds worst mom.

I re-read this letter from time to time.
It's written in blue marker on the back of Jake's history notes.
some of the words are washed away from the many tears it took to write this letter.

It brings back such a flood of emotions just reading it.
knowing that it's on the web for everyone to see.
knowing that people are going to judge, criticize, slander and even hate me for my choice.
knowing that i wrote that letter as a 17 year old girl, breaks my heart.

This will be the first of many goodbye's

My hope is that this story, my story, God's story, changes the life of one person.
stay tuned tomorrow for the more of my story.