loss and saying goodbye {part 1}

October is the Nations month of Remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss.
whether that be miscarriage, still born, abortion, SIDS, or any other loss of a baby.

National days of remembrance sometimes make the hurt surface all over again. 
Sometimes for a few minutes, sometimes for the whole month. 

Last year on Oct 15th i shared this:

this day is very dear to my heart as I have lost 4 babies. 
I have yet to write that story here on the blog
I am trying, it's just hard.
I like to share my thoughts here but that's just so personal.
I am in the process of writing our story and hope to share it with you all soon. 
please take some time today and pray for those hurting over the loss of a baby.

Well today I am ready to share more of that story with you. 
I will start by sharing a little background with you.

I did not grow up in a church going family. That being said my parents were not against it they had just been hurt badly by the church.
They did however allow us to attend churches with friends and family. 
We even went to the Christmas service at my grandparents church as a family. 
Yes I was an angel in the Christmas play! 
I am not sure they knew what they were doing, casting ME that role. 

I loved going yo VBS at my grandparents church, attended Awana with my friends from school, and in high school I joined a close friend and her family most Sundays to mass. 

Although I attended these events from time to time, it was never consistent. I did not feel connected to God, or even have a clue what a relationship with Jesus was. 
I went for the friendships, I went to meet boys. 
Needless to say I was not a Christian. 

As I got older I slipped deeper and deeper into a secret depression. Drowning all my insecurities with sex, drugs, and alcohol.  Dressing to get attention, drinking to pretend the gossip did not hurt and doing drugs to fit in. 

In 1998, shortly after i turned 16 years old, I was introduced to a boy! He was a year older,  he was an athlete, he liked rap and hip hop, he never drank or smoked. He was different and that attracted me. 
We jumped right into dating. 
and by dating, i mean i stalked him daily, we argued constantly, and I forced him to chat on the phone for HOURS

Fast forward a year. 
we are still dating. still fighting. still in high school
him a senior, me a junior

imagine just turning 17, 
dating a boy I was head over heals for, even though all we did is fight. 

and I find out I am pregnant. 

fear. shame. depression.

I don't know what to do, I don't know who to tell. 
I tell my best friend and my boyfriend. 
he makes a choice, makes me feel like its the only solution.

I make the appointment
he pays the cashier
they give me an ultrasound
they show it to me.
They tell me they think it's a boy, print the picture and give it to me.
like it's a souvenir 

no one tries to stop me, change my mind, give me a way out.
I  wait for my name to be called, all while hearing screaming coming from the room next door. 

it's done. 

I head home.
in pain.  broken.  empty.  afraid.

the next day I have a break down.
locking myself  in the car for hours trying to wrap my head around what just happened. 

I name my baby.
then write a letter to our baby.

Tomorrow I will share that letter with you.